Kiddie Pool

(I love how our one year old already has a six pack, he is like a baby Hercules) 

Mud Puddles!

Mothers Day Tears

I shot my first Wedding Saturday
It was really fun and crazy and stressful and beautiful
And I didn't get home until really late
Normally I'm in bed by 10
But it was more like 1 by time I got to sleep
David woke up at 3 and I tried for an hour to get him back to sleep
No luck
Finally I took him down stairs
Let him run around at 4 in the morning
And I curled up on the couch and started editing my wedding photos
I mean if you have to be up you might as well make good use of you time, right?
At about 6 David finally gave in and passed out on my lap
I took him back to bed and slept for a few hours

I think total I may have gotten three hours of sleep
but that's a generous figure
I wish I could say that this was just a fluke
and normally David sleeps through the night
But lately this is a nightly occurrence
I woke up feeling completely exhausted
and really sore from all of the running around at the wedding
I am so out of shape that carrying a camera around for a few hours leaves me sore
sad reality
I really need to join the gym
Anyway.... I was tired and cranky

We had about and hour or so before we had to start getting the kids ready
for a mothers day lunch at Michael's grandmoms
So I set down to work on the pictures for a bit before we had to go
The phone rings
Michael gets it
He talked for awhile
Then came in the room super excited
He announced that someone really close to us is pregnant

Then it happened
I started to cry
It wasn't the type of crying you feel coming and you can kind of hold back a bit
It was more of the you just got punched in the stomach
The wind was completely knocked out of you
and there is no stopping it type of crying

It makes me feel so bad to think about because
I love this couple and I really am beyond happy that they are expecting
It really had nothing to do with them
It just struck a nerve
and it was one of those really deep down ones
that you try hard to pretend are not there
They seem to sting the most

So I sat there and cried my eyes out for a good ten minutes
Michael just stood there looking really confused
Because as good as I am at telling myself that I'm OK
I am even better at getting other people to believe that
So when stuff like this does surface
It a bit of a shock to all parties involved

I love that our family was formed through adoption
When we started this journey 3 years ago I never in a million years
would have thought I would be sitting here today as a mom of 3
Its just crazy how fast it all happened
And it didn't give me a whole like of time to think about biological children
Now my house and heart are full and I feel like that window may have closed
At least for right now
Most days I am 110% ok with that
but sometimes it hits me when I least expect it
At the park when I see another mom breastfeeding her child
Driving past the birth center and seeing all the flags of babies born that day
Finding out that some of my favorite people are expecting

The fact is if we decide down the road to add to our family
I feel like we will adopt again
It just what we have felt called to do
But some days I daydream about what our child would look like
If they would have my eyes or look more like Michael
What it would feel like to have a baby summersalt around inside of me
That first surprising kick
And the right of passage of giving birth
All of these things came flying at me when I heard the news
And it took my breath away

I finally collected myself
processed my unexpected sadness
and moved on with the day
got the kids dressed
and went to our mothers day lunch
It was gorgeous out
and I laid in the grass in the backyard
as the kids ran around and played
the sun beat down on me
and in that moment all felt right with the world
Weather my children grew in my heart or my womb
They are mine
They may not look like me but they act like me
They share my mannerisms and inflections
And sometimes its really hard to believe
that there is no biological thread between us
because of the bond we share
I may not have been there before they took their first breath
But I will be there for them until I take my last
And that's what makes me their mom

guarded

guarded

  

adjective

1.

cautious; careful; prudent: to be guarded in one's speech

Unfortunately I think this describes me perfectly lately

Before having kids I was much more social

I could strike up conversation with any stranger nearby 

and find myself an instant friend

I think growing up as an only child really pushed me to be outgoing 

in hopes of gaining a new playmate

In school I always had lots of friends 

and never had to try very hard to meet people 

it just came very naturally 

But some how over the last three years I have found myself putting my guard up

I would like to say that its because I am protective of my kids 

but I think its deeper then that 

I think its more about protecting myself

I feel curious stares wherever we go 

Strangers eyes on my family trying to piece it all together

I understand that at first glance 

it is not obvious how our family was formed

And I am young and look even younger then I actually am 

so adoption might not be the first thing 

that pops in someones head when trying to make sense of our family composition

I totally get that 

I really do

I would be curious too

But somehow during all of that trying to figure it out

I end up feeling a bit judged

example~

The other day at the park someone came up to me 

and out of nowhere asked if I was a single mom

I was taken back by the question

I was tempted to just say No, with a bit of an attitude, and walk away 

But I didn't I took the time explained my story

and answered her many questions she had about our family

And in the end I felt better because we ended up having a nice conversation 

I think her mind was opened some on the subject 

And I really don't mind questions 

Today we went to a different park

I don't go here very often partly because there is sand 

which used to bother Bri (now she likes it)

and in the past I have felt that some of the mom's can be very clicky 

But William asks daily if we can go

He loves that the basketball hoops are a good bit lower so he can actually get it in

The weather was beautiful so I thought it would make a nice morning activity 

When we got arrived a few of the usual moms were there 

and I felt my guard go up a little

When someone asked me if my kids were all mine with a strange look

I felt it go up a bit more 

Someone asked if I was their nanny 

and up it went

At this point I found myself feeling guarded 

mostly due to my own insecurities

as much as I would like to point the figure elsewhere

My kids were having a great time so I stuck it out 

I played with them, snapped a few shots, and dug in the sand 

Then this really sweet woman came over and introduced herself    

She recognized us from this blog (that was a first) 

We had a nice conversation about foster care 

She and her husband are considering becoming foster parents 

Which in my book makes her pretty great

With this one conversation I felt that guard instantly come down

The kids were still playing so nicely that I decided to stay a bit longer

Will was on the other side of the park playing basketball with a 2 year old little boy 

His nanny came over to tell me how nice Will was playing

And we talked a little 

She was so nice and it was really refreshing to have such a good park day

When I got in the car it hit me 

I get so caught up in what other people are thinking 

that I actually become the judgmental one 

There are a lot of genuine people in this world 

And if you are always looking for the worst 

You just my miss out on some really great friendships 

I know in my heart I am a good person 

I really don't need to worry about the misguided opinions of strangers

These kids are pretty amazing
And I am lucky to call them mine
As for how the rest of the world sees it
It doesn't really matter

wordless wednesday

It's Friday!

Embrace

Embracing the camera here